Tuesday

A man was walking along the edge of a cliff when all of a sudden, he took a wrong step and began to fall. He furiously grabbed for the cliff and was able to dig his fingertips into the grass and dirt. There was no way he could pull himself up, and below him were rocks and sea: Sure death! He looked up at the heavens and asked, "Lord, are you up there?"

The clouds parted, and a golden chariot driven by God Himself came out of the sky toward the hapless man. God said, "Let go, My Son. I will catch you in my golden chariot and take you straight into heaven."

The man paused for just a moment, looked up at the heavens again, and asked, "Is there anybody else up there?"

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Here's a poem that most women would want to have boys memorize by the time they're three years old...

The grossest thing for me to see
is my bathroom floor all full of pee.
Why can't they make it in the bowl?
Don't they see there is a hole?

Out in the woods, they think it's cute
to see how far a guy can "shoot."
But in the house, it's plain to see
there is a bowl in which you pee!

(It's usually white & kinda round
you hit the water, not the ground.)
Why can't they make it in the bowl?
Is it a problem with control?

If not control, then tell me why
they make my bathroom such a sty?
Come on guys, get a clue!
You know what you have to do.

Be a human-not a pig.
and don't forget to lift the lid.
When you're done, make it flush
don't always be in such a rush

Then take the lid & push it down
don't make us women feel like clowns
Falling in, it is not fun
getting water on your buns.

Zip up your pants, & you're all done
now wasn't that a lot of fun?
Keep this little poem in mind
Your woman will find you very kind.

-- Author Unknown

You might be a redneck if…

Fewer than half of your cars run.

My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (four) and Hannah (two) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, "Daddy, what are we doing?"

My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.

Sarah asked "Are you gonna buy a new house?"

Dad replied "Maybe."

Then Sarah said with much concern, "But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!"

Molly was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist.

"Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests."

To Morris the boy, he said "Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind."

The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words without any split infinitives ?"