Wednesday

The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus’ Mother’s name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus’ Father’s name was?"

A little kid then said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, they’re always talking about ‘Verge ‘n Mary."

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

Uncle Cecil, who runs The Straight Dope, http://www.straightdope.com is obviously also infected by the same kind of people whom you see me make fun of here on a regular basis. Cecil says these are some of the questions "he's looking into."

Dear Cecil:
I go camping a lot and sometimes people like to waste my matches by throwing them in the fire. Do you know if they have invented fire resistant matches? If so where can I find them?
--ISeeUOO

Dear Cecil:
In my personal and family development class (home ec) my teacher said that salt and pepper are married, so that's why they always have to stay by each other. If they are, then one has to be the husband and the other the wife. All of the people I've asked have agreed that the pepper would be the husband and the salt the wife. Well, what if the fork, knife, and spoon were a family. Which would be the dad, the mom, and the kid, and would the kid be a boy or a girl? Also, what if thunder, lightning, and rain were a family, how would that go?
--Molly Moxie

Dear Cecil:
Does any one group or individual, anywhere, own rain? Or claim to?
--Saqib R., Los Angeles

Dear Cecil:
What would happen if a giant alien came up and ate the sun, would it die? what would happen to us. Would it eat us too or would it be too full from the sun. Is there any nutritional value in the contents of the sun or any of the planets of the matter.
--D Guarna

Unable to find a man, who liked to sunbathe in the nude, Brigitte took out a personal ad. For his part, Sylvester didn't like the sun, but he was desperate for a woman and replied. Brigitte invited him to her home, and they spent a long day in her fenced in yard. But by dusk Sylvester realized he'd been out a bit too long: He was burned from head to toe, especially on his penis. Sneaking inside, Sylvester went looking for the coldest thing in the house; all he could find in the refrigerator was a carton of milk and, pouring some in a glass, dipped his penis in.

Just then, Brigitte strolled in. Seeing Sylvester with his penis in the milk, she slapped the side of her head and marveled, "So that's how you load that thing!"

You might be a redneck if…

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

The difference between "Men" and "Guys"

Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Men: balance their checkbooks.
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.

Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Guys: pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Men: start their own businesses.
Guys: quit their jobs.

Men: are experts on women's erogenous zones.
Guys: are experts on their own erogenous zone.

Men: order wine based on more than the price.
Guys: bring their own beer.

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."