Wednesday

"Instructions For Life"
Play games with your teenagers their friends...make memories.

A man took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress

"My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old.

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"

Now you can learn Chinese In ten minutes! (Read these out loud, it helps)

He's cleaning his automobile. Wa Shing Ka.

This is a tow away zone. No Pah King.

Is there a fugitive here? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

Small Horse. Tai Ni Po Ni.

Your price is too high!!! No Bai Nut Ding!!!!

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni.

Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?

I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?

They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum.

Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu.

I got this for free. Ai No Pei.

You know lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

Stay out of sight. Lei lo.

Phew! Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

You might be a redneck if…

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor.

Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor".

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem".

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied...

"Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY rike your ass!"

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor: "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm. She will answer, 'I'm the Egg. From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"

The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.

When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."

The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."