Saturday

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

'I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"

The doctor hands him the thread and says, "Suture self".

The Priest had just finished hearing the man's confession and was considering the man's penitence.

"Are you sure you're going to try to set aside all sin?"

"Yes Father, I certainly am going to try." replied the man. "I here-by resolve to double my efforts."

"And you're going to attend Mass regularly my son?" the Priest went on.

"Yes Father, I realize I have strayed." said the man. "I shall both worship and confess every week."

"And how about your debts and those you have cheated?" inquired the Priest.

"Now just a minute Father." said the man. "Now you're talking business and not religion."

Never type a love letter. Use an ink pen.

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist.

"Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replies the drunk.

I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.

One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"

Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb. Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"

You might be a redneck if…

redneck too!)

An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast, when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.

An elderly station attendant came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the man replied, "Very much."

"What'd he say?" asked the woman.

"He asked if I like the weather, and I told him 'yes'," replied her husband.

"Where are you-all headed," asked the attendant.

"Oh, we're going to Jacksonville," he replied.

"What'd he say?", asked the woman.

"He asked where we're going, and I told him to Jacksonville", the husband replied.

"Where are y'all from," inquired the attendant a few moments later.

"Oh, we're from Maine," the man replied.

"Ah, I was in Maine for two years while I was in the Air Force, replied the attendant. In fact, I dated a girl from Maine while I was there. It didn't last long though. I have to tell you, this girl was the worst in bed of any girl I ever knew."

"What'd he say?" inquired the woman.

"He said he thinks he knows you," replied her husband.

I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy."

I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."